19.08.11

Dogs doing lists #6: What You’ll Find on FAC 819

  1. Dogs leading Friedrich Engels on a tour of The Factory and asking timidly, in conclusion, “Is this what you had in mind…?”
  2. Dogs cradling the body of Ian Curtis (played by Sean Harris) as the Ghost of Ian Curtis, played by the Ghost of the Real Ian Curtis, executes a single dead fly dance maneuver and laments, “It is exactly as I remember.”
  3. Dogs immortalizing the 3,000 pigeons poisoned by Shaun Ryder in a Warhol-style silkscreen group portrait entitled Blue Monday.
  4. Dogs dropping a tablet of ecstasy into a toilet at the Haçienda and groaning, “Now how do I feel??”
  5. Dogs walking into a puddle of Shaun Ryder’s spilled methadone, and sliding, wobbling, flailing, windmilling, gyrating, slip-jigging, and finally—this is true1—hovering horizontally for a fraction of a second as a slide whistle ascends and descends a scale before a splash cymbal marks their sudden crash landing.
  6. Dogs plucking the stars delicately out of the sky as the inhabitants of the known universe collectively turn and raise a dubious eyebrow in the direction of Ian Brown.
  7. Dogs brandishing the diamond-encrusted skull of John Squire as they wash ashore on Spike Island, demanding, “Give me culture.”
  8. Dogs sobbing and gasping for air as Bez’s bent, broken body is discovered in the wreckage of a looted storefront on live television.
  9. Dogs stumbling into a hospital with a single bullet lodged in their forehead, and explaining just as they expire, “It seems like there’s a hole in my dreams.”
  10. Dogs firing a blowgun at a vision of the Lord God (played by Steve Coogan) as He opines on the lessons of Factory Records, while off-screen the Real and True God Almighty swings gently in a noose, bearing a note containing His last will and testament: “Let’s forget this ever happened.”

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[1] Let this also serve as a metaphor for the Madchester scene and period, its aspirations and successes.