Words by: Ruth Saxelby

Dogs doing lists #24: Schlock, Vomit, Karaoke!

  1. Dogs tapping the microphone before a karaoke performance and announcing to a listless bar room, “This is a duet featuring my self-doubt and my self-loathing.”
  2. Dogs holding back a gathering crowd as Frank Sinatra flails at his own reflection in a duck pond, offering sadly, “Neither can live while the other survives.”
  3. Dogs strutting along a road in the French countryside to find, after act upon act of endless waiting, imitating David Bowie and Mick Jagger:
    Vladimir: It doesn’t matter what you wear
    Just as long as you are there
    [Pause. Vladimir and Estragon look conspicuously all around for an absent significant other.]
    So come on, every guy
    [Vladimir places a noose around Estragon’s neck.]
    Grab a girl
    Everywhere around the world
    [Vladimir tightens Estragon’s noose. Estragon chokes.]
    They’ll be dancing in the street
    Estragon: It’s an invitation across the nation
    [Vladimir ties a noose tightly around his own neck.]
    A chance for folks to meet
    Vladimir and Estragon [In unison]: They’ll be laughing and singing, music swinging—
    [Vladimir and Estragon hang themselves. Fin.]
    …and backing away slowly and forever, crooning hoarsely, “Dancing in the street.”
  4. Dogs bludgeoning you at the end of the Nick Cave / Kylie Minogue duet “Where the Wild Roses Grow” and shouting into the microphone after a brief streak of blaring feedback, followed by the thud of your toppled corpse, “MURDER BALLADS.”
  5. Dogs staggering bleary-eyed onto a karaoke stage and taking a spot between Hello Kitty and the Hulk as the Joker, Darkseid, Pikachu, Bono, two Teletubbies, and assorted others warble up and down some practice scales in preparation for a rendition of the entire rock opera Tommy, only to interrupt with a drunken lurch and a torrent of vomit directed at the Hulk, who in turn bursts into a rage and vomits on an unsuspecting Smurf, causing said Smurf to vomit past Bono’s raised sunglasses and all over his face, resulting now in the simultaneous megaheaving of a furious Pokémon, Elmer Fudd, Teletubby #2, Thing 1, Rowlf the Muppet, and the rest of the company, all disgorging endless quantities of booze and stomach acid, resting, and vomiting, overcome, once again as The Who clangs over the speakers and a Pinball Wizard wanders in and stumbles into each personage individually before skittering and splashing into the wet, lukewarm pool on the floor.
  6. Dogs applauding wildly as two bleached skeletons freeze, maneuver, and collide in a cloud of bone dust, offering with a sniff and a choked-up croak, “CLASSIC.”
  7. Dogs remembering suddenly and quite absently in the soaring voices of Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes after traversing the mysterious interval between life and death, “I’ve had the time of my life.”
  8. Dogs pushing a pair of nuclear weapons out of the bomb bay doors of a B-29, and shouting madly into the roar of the twin columns of fire, “One for my baby! And one for the road!”
  9. Dogs singing into a battered microphone as it hangs limply from the buttocks of a bull, crooning, “Islands in the stream,” and pausing as the cord ripples and jerks before adding, “That is what we are.”
  10. Dogs setting a reality effects dial to DUETS and turning to observe the world, noting sadly, “This is the one where everyone is really alone.”

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