30.09.11

Dogs doing lists #9: Sitting In a Tin Can Far Above the World

  1. Dogs gazing lovingly on as the infinities consume the body of Ziggy Stardust, narrating, “Everything, every atom in our bodies, comes from exploding stars,” and addressing the camera tearfully to observe, “Or, put another way, we are made of nuclear waste.”
  2. Dogs glimpsing the bulging crotch of Jareth the Goblin King and fainting under the suddenly vertiginous weight of their virginity.
  3. Dogs leaning out of a Huey as it strafes a rice paddy, shouting into the wind, “GET IT ON,” and redirecting the machine guns toward villagers bursting compulsively from their hiding spots to return, “BANG A GONG.”
  4. Dogs pulling a rubber monster mask off of a bullet-riddled corpse to reveal the ashen, lifeless face of Gary Glitter, and whispering somberly, “Thank goodness for those meddling kids.”
  5. Dogs kneeling before a massive, weather-beaten statue of Iman, and knocking the dust off of the inscription, reading aloud, “Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.”
  6. Dogs gasping, “All the young dudes…” and sorting through the rubble of a collapsed YMCA.
  7. Dogs stroking Marilyn Manson’s prosthetic breasts as they watch the Ziggy Stardust Tour together through a spacetime viewer, and sighing, “You used to be such a nice boy.”
  8. Dogs caressing an Easter Island head, murmuring, “I thought you died alone,” and reeling about as each stony statue up and down the beach booms in unison, “Oh no, not me.”
  9. Dogs waving a gun alternately at Alice Cooper, Jareth the Goblin King, Kiss, Alex and his droogies, Hedwig of the angry inch, Marilyn Manson, Jo Calderone, George W. Bush, and a lost Imperial stormtrooper, stating flatly: “One of you is wearing my codpiece.”
  10. Dogs standing on top of the HOLLYWOOD sign and surveying the destruction of Los Angeles by UFOs as all news stations simultaneously broadcast the message “THE EUROPEAN CANON IS HERE.”

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