06.04.12

Words by: Ruth Saxelby

Dogs doing lists #22: A Thousand Years of Nonlinear History

  1. 12 December 2012: Dogs burning the Earth from pole to pole and all around the equator before remarking to the barren, lifeless ashes, “This is only the beginning.”
  2. 9 August 1974: Dogs pausing before Marine One and turning to address the gathered staff on the White House Lawn, exclaiming joyfully with eyes spinning, “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!”
  3. 698,000,000 B.C.: Dogs setting a spacetime viewer to display the immediate future to a huddle of shivering, frightened Ewoks, explaining confidently, “It gets
    better.”
  4. 14 October 1066: Dogs speculating that any sufficiently advanced tragedy is indistinguishable from farce, and citing the most recent event as evidence.
  5. 25 December 1843: Dogs waking with a start on Christmas Day and throwing open the windows to scream in ecstatic delight, “One day this will all be NOTHING.”
  6. 20 March 1942: Dogs riding a cruise missile out into the far reaches of space, shouting over the roar of the engines, “I shall return.”
  7. 6 April 2012: Dogs participating in an imaginary, hesitant, decades-long stuttering interview with Charlie Rose in which no single word is uttered in its entirety.
  8. 22 November 1963: Dogs turning to a young Billy Joel on the grassy knoll, demanding, “Well, what do you have to say?”
  9. 16 October 1793: Dogs inquiring, “Is the French Revolution a good idea?” as the executioner releases the guillotine over Marie Antoinette’s neck and replies, “It is too soon to say.”
  10. 28 June 1914: Dogs noting that in the swirling scope of nonlinear history, you are not a special, polished specimen but a tremulous problem of perfectly mysterious magnitude.

Follow @dogsdoingthings on Twitter