The 10 Best Jungle Tracks of All Time, according to General Levy
- 12 December 2012: Dogs burning the Earth from pole to pole and all around the equator before remarking to the barren, lifeless ashes, “This is only the beginning.”
- 9 August 1974: Dogs pausing before Marine One and turning to address the gathered staff on the White House Lawn, exclaiming joyfully with eyes spinning, “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!”
- 698,000,000 B.C.: Dogs setting a spacetime viewer to display the immediate future to a huddle of shivering, frightened Ewoks, explaining confidently, “It gets
- 14 October 1066: Dogs speculating that any sufficiently advanced tragedy is indistinguishable from farce, and citing the most recent event as evidence.
- 25 December 1843: Dogs waking with a start on Christmas Day and throwing open the windows to scream in ecstatic delight, “One day this will all be NOTHING.”
- 20 March 1942: Dogs riding a cruise missile out into the far reaches of space, shouting over the roar of the engines, “I shall return.”
- 6 April 2012: Dogs participating in an imaginary, hesitant, decades-long stuttering interview with Charlie Rose in which no single word is uttered in its entirety.
- 22 November 1963: Dogs turning to a young Billy Joel on the grassy knoll, demanding, “Well, what do you have to say?”
- 16 October 1793: Dogs inquiring, “Is the French Revolution a good idea?” as the executioner releases the guillotine over Marie Antoinette’s neck and replies, “It is too soon to say.”
- 28 June 1914: Dogs noting that in the swirling scope of nonlinear history, you are not a special, polished specimen but a tremulous problem of perfectly mysterious magnitude.